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The new year has come, January has fled, and February is upon us.  After the loss of my husband, I am finally beginning to come out of the storm.  It is still a grey world to me, but I know as I heal and move ahead, it will be a place where I can find happiness one day.  They say to be patient and Time will help me remember my past for the good days, and not the bad. I hope "they" are right.

Before my husband died, we had been toying with the idea of moving to live next door to my daughter in Pennsylvania.  Her elderly neighbor came to her, about 9 months ago, asking if her parents were still interested in his home.  Of course, we were - land  in that area is rarely on the market long, especially this particular piece of land.  We moved forward with inspections, appraisals, negotiations and the like. Then my husband died ...I decided to move forward with the house purchase.  Maybe it was time to consider it as an alternative to my Southern home. Renovations could provide an updated home, with everything I could need.

So now, under my shadow of grief, ignoring all the sage advice that says stay a year and then decide, I am buying a 1960s stone ranch on a high ridge, surrounded by farmland, looking down on a tiny town, and mountains beyond.  In the morning, you step outside and there is quiet...only the rising sun, the call of a bird or two, maybe a distant train. On cold winter nights, you are surrounded by a blanket of silence. It is a place of peace.  The Amish farmland that surrounds me will be tall with corn, or deep green with soybeans, when spring and summer come.  None of the roar of traffic that is constant here in the outskirts of Atlanta.  The push of people in a hurry will be rare there.  The modern conveniences are close enough, and Philadelphia, New York City and the Jersey shore are within reach.  Next door are my daughter and her loving family. I will only be lonely when I choose to be.  I'll make friends, and join the art scene in Lancaster.  Life will go on.

I've never had a real life of my own, it was my childhood and then marriage at 17, lasting almost 45 years.  For the first time, I am truly making decisions on what I want to do, to be, and what I like for myself, not a shared or dictated choice to keep the peace. Freedom does not come without cost, and I am embracing change that may prove difficult. What do I really find joyful? What activities will I choose because I can do so? It is a step into an unknown, but it comes with trepidation, small steps at first, following the leading of my heart.

Life will never be the same again, and I am sure there will be days I look toward "home", my beloved South, and wonder if I am doing what I should be.  In the movie, "Gone With The Wind", it ends with Scarlett's vow to return to Tara. Something a lot of people outside the South don't "get" are the deep roots, our connection we have for our land. With the intensive growth we have experienced, that sentiment is rapidly being weeded out. I have a long heritage here, and many relatives who lie buried here in the red clay.  I will be going to a place where I am a stranger, and an outsider.  But I have faith, and hope and a sense of adventure. I will find my joy wherever I am.  I have life. The rest is a blessing, and Delta flies south every day.

When battleships are at sea, they don't turn on a dime.  It can take a mile to turn around.  But they do turn.  They do control their voyage, and they continue their way, on a new path and to a new destination.  In a way, I am turning my own battleship, degrees at a time, but plowing ahead, into a hopeful future. It's out there. I can't wait to find out what lies ahead.